I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
