A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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