recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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