so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize