your parents love me but you hate me
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
