the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
