Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
