I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize