You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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