Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
