this just has baby written all over it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
