He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
