So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
