Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
