i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
