thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
