I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
