He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
