Apparently you make a good broom.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
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