Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
