from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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