I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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