i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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