tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
