i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
