i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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