I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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