i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
