drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
