I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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