I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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