I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
