Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
