The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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