You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
