i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
