I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
