If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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