We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You took a bar mat shot.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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