Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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