It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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