my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The air taste purple.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
