I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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