my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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