Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
that is very illegal...i love you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
