I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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