he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
