I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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