I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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