As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
