I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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