Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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