Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
