I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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