so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize