My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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