i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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