dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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