Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
