I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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