one word: firstdatebathroomanal
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
