my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
