Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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