Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize