you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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