ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize