i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
