its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize