We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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