How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
